


Soldier's Grudge

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo Lives, Feels, Finn-centric (Star Wars), Implied Poe Dameron/Finn, M/M, One Shot, POV Finn (Star Wars), Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, The First Order Sucks, and ben absolutely deserves it, finn holds a grudge against ben, i dont ship reylo btw but i respect your ships, so does poe, so sorry but they either never kiss or its never mentioned in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22413823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Everyone's celebrating, but I can't. I can't forgive Kylo Ren for everything's he's ever done. I can feel the rage boiling, wanting to be let out, screaming to be let out, and I know why.You can't forgive someone who practically tortured you your entire life, can you?-OR-Ben lives, Finn holds a grudge, Poe tries to help him, and Rey doesn't know what the big deal is.(Told from Finn's POV)
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Kudos: 37





	Soldier's Grudge

I don't know why everyone's celebrating. I'm not. There's no reason to. The First Order might be gone, but the memories are still there, clear as day. Why is it so easy for everyone to forgive them? To forgive him? One good action doesn't make up for millions of horrific ones, does it now? My rage, red as fire, is boiling now, mixed with the blue tones of sorrow and pain, dancing on my heart, fluttering in my stomach, infesting my mind. This shouldn't be a celebration.

He doesn't deserve a celebration. 

I closed my eyes and tightened my fist, the sounds of the festivity getting quieter and garbling as my emotions mixed into a dull purple, beating, pulsating, pulling, hurting, screaming...

" _FN-2187."_

My head shot up, eyes darted around wildly.

_"What do you think you are doing?"_

Where is that voice coming from, so familiar, so strict, so cruel so...

_"Bring him to reconditioning."_

The memories were a mess, spinning and screaming in my head as Phasma burned those words into my mind, making sure I would never forget.

_"Just a stormtrooper, so expendable."_

The memories just kept going and going, repeating until I wanted to scream, wanted to make them stop.

I felt someone touch me. Warm and course, but no, touch is meant to be bad, meant to be punishment, discipline. Touch meant beatings, touch meant you did something wrong, touch meant failure.

But this was so different.

This felt friendly, concerned, warm. 

I jolted upwards, realizing that my hands had moved to my head and had tightly grasped my face.

"Hey, buddy, you alright?" It took a second for the words to register. Like they were just static or white noise. After a few moments of silence, I felt myself shake my head. Why did I shake my head? Who am I even talking to?

It took another moment to realize that the person had said another thing and was now guiding me to another room, a quieter room.

"Shit, man, what's going on?"

Poe. It was Poe Dameron. I breathed out a breath I didn't know I was holding and leaned my face on his shoulder, slowly realizing it was wet with tears.

_"Weak."_

"I hate him. I hate him so much," I could hear myself sobbing out as Poe put a hand on my back. I could tell he knew who this 'him' was. He must hate him too after what he did to him, right? 

Poe pulled me into a tight hug. It didn't need words, it spoke for itself. He understood. Still, the room spun and butterflies filled my stomach.

_No, touch was bad. Touch meant punishment._ The voice in my head tried to warn, but I didn't listen. I stayed in his arms until there was nothing left to cry out, and then some. Just knowing that Poe understood was enough for me right now.

Until Rey walked in. She stared at us for a short while, before finally speaking. "Hey, you okay?" she asked, concern lacing her voice. The tears came pouring out again, like a waterfall with no river. "I hate him," I muttered, quieter this time. She almost didn't catch it.

"Who? Poe?" she asked like the answer wasn't obvious. I shook my head, gripping Poe tighter. I didn't want to answer. Poe ended up speaking for me. "Kylo Ren. What, are you stupid?" he said, voice laced with sarcasm, but I could tell there was a hint of emotion there. Anger, perhaps. 

"Why?" she asked, once again, like the answer wasn't obvious. Poe gave her an incredulous look. I wanted to scream at her, ask why she didn't get it, yell until she did before I realized why. She didn't grow up tortured by the dark side, tortured by Kylo Ren. She knew her parents at some point in time. Her childhood was probably great until about age eight. 

But even then, it didn't change because of Kylo Ren. It changed because her parents left her and died. She had some sort of memory. I had none. Rey grew up a scavenger, I grew up as a child soldier trained to have little to no emotion and given no proper name. 

She would never understand.

It took a moment for me to realize that Poe was talking again.

"He was a stormtrooper given a few letters and numbers as a name who grew up with no memory of his family, why wouldn't he hate Kylo Ren?"

"His name is Ben," Rey responded firmly. Poe scoffed. She entirely missed the point. "I understand Finn's anger. I hate him too."

"Why?"

There's that horrible question again. I listened to their conversation, desperate for a distraction from my brain as Poe's arms tightened around me. "I was tortured for information by him," Poe said with his jaw agape. 

While I was still in Poe's arms, I finally spoke up. "Your childhood was never affected by him. You wouldn't understand," I muttered, before getting up and leaving Rey and Poe to argue this out. I could tell Poe wanted to follow me. Part of me wanted him to, but I knew we'd see each other soon, so I didn't care much of it. Kylo Ren was outside the door.

"FN-218-" he began before I cut him off. "My name is Finn." 

I walked away.

I don't think I'll ever forgive him, no matter how much I understand whatever motivation he might have. 

What matters now is that I have someone who understands. I have Poe.

What matters now is that I know it's okay to keep grudges against people who've hurt you.


End file.
